So I find myself staring down another year's end and can't help but recall how hopeful I was at the beginning of it in regards to relationships.  2009 made me see how much of a sap I am for "falling in love", before that I didn't think that sort of thing existed.  Let me give you a little flash back to few hours leading into 2009, so let me set the picture.  I have been working with a new girl at my company for about 2 months now and we happen to click instantly.  It blew my mind how fast we connected and from the get go she seemed to be real comfortable with me, (this phenomenon was new to me at this time even thought it has been happening to me all my life) to the point where we seemed to have know each other for years. I will admit it I was taken by her and I told myself that’s the girl I'm going to marry, well that is until I found out the guy she was dating was now her boyfriend.  Go back to the night of New Year's eve and right after the count down finished I text my so called future wife a Happy New Year but end up having a text conversation about how she was not doing so good with her BF and she broke it off.  (Some of this may not be exact because some details are hazy from that night)

In my mind I was like "2009 man you are gonna rock!"  But sadly 2009 had other plans.  They got back together and I had to hear about every weekend away, date, outing, and lovey thing they did with each other for a good 8 months.  Easy to say I was crushed and did I go though a spiral of confusion, anger, and heartache but I was able to pull myself out of that darkness only to find myself right back where I started.  There was another girl that I knew of and she the same with me, we didn't really get to know each other until a couple of months ago to this date.  I always had the feeling that she had interest in me by the way she acted but didn't really put too much thought into it because she was also taken.  She also seemed to get very comfortable with me in a short amount of time and after she broke up with her BF we became closer.  I didn't really think anything was going to happen until I started to find that I had feelings for her as well.  I told myself, what’s going on here, am I just "rebounding" from the other girl, can I really be falling for another girl so soon?   We got along great, she made me laugh, she is gorgeous and we seem to have a connection from the start, so I went for it and told her how I felt.  Again 2009 would not have and I was shot straight into the friend zone.  However, 2009 has a sick sense of humor, towards the end of the year my co-worker ends up breaking up with her BF. I think, "great, now I have a chance" only to hear that my co-worker has had every male friend come out of the wood work to profess their long harbored love for her since the break up.  She is sick of all these guys asking her out when she thought they were her friends and she shuts them out completely. 

Now I'm thinking I just like those guys if I ask her out now and I don't wanna be like those guys so I move on.  Then 2009 plays another good one on me, the 2nd girl still what’s to hang out with me despite knowing how I feel towards her.  I of course do because I enjoy having her company but keep my true feelings for her at bay.  The more we spend time together the more she opens up to me and tells me how comfortable she is when she’s around me and blah, blah, blah, my heart goes haywire.  Now currently I am confused again, since I feel that there is more then just friendship between her and I but now I second-guess myself since my track record in this field is shit.  I'm scared that if I press into romantic territory again I'm going to push her away.  I know the saying of fortune favors the bold and all that crap but I just don't feel confident in that gamble right now. 

This made me look back on my past relationships with woman and I see the pattern of a lot of girls that I connect with quickly becoming comfortable with me.  That explains that why I have so many female friends, (not bragging or anything) but very few dates and romantic interests.  Some people tell me it’s a gift but I think of it as an obstacle, what am I doing that causes this?  I know I have a friendly nature and I am very out going, I'll engage you in conversation if you interested.  I think I am a good flirt (not like coming on to you kind of flirting like stroking your face and what not) and I like to make people laugh.   I know I do this because of my profession as an actor I just sort of forced myself to become more social.  It seems like every time I think found someone I would like to date I am get the, oh I'm comfortable with you but I can't see myself dating you answer and I'm sick of it!

I know this blog is a mess but I just needed to rant, I don't want to change how am I and I'm not going to but if this keeps up I dunno?  So heres-hoping 2010 is better then this one, but I may have just jinxed myself...

Last night I was at a holiday party for some news caster folks, I only knew a few people there so I kept to myself most of the time.  I don't drink because I am allergic to alcohol and I can have a good time without it so I was quite sober through the night.  I happen to meet up with a guy (lets call him Dave) that my friend had brought to the party and I thought I'd shoot the breeze with him.  Well at his table he was talking to a very cute girl so I decided to turn back until he called me over to introduce me.  I said my name and shook her hand and I can tell she was already buzzed from the brief encounter I had.  She tried to give me her drink that was given to her by Dave and I explained to her in the most charming way possible that I didn't drink so no thank you.  She insisted and added that she had too much to drink and she couldn’t drink it, plus my hand touched the glass last so now it was mine. 

I, now seeing the flirting that was taking place came back by saying that the hand that touched that glass was in fact fake so it didn't count.  She said prove it, so I proceed to rotate my hand while it was face down on a table 360 degrees David Blaine style.  Usually when I do this effect I get shock and disgust as most of the people around me did but for her she was fascinated and then actually tried to do the trick herself.  To my surprise she was able to pull it off with my help and then started to go and tell al her friends how I helped her discover a new talent. I didn't think I'd see her after that but we kept bumping into each other and soon we where dancing, laughing, and having a great time. We talked for hours about each other’s favorite food, where she came from, her hobbies and we seemed to hit it off well. She even wanted to go out and try some of the restaurants that I mentioned and to get together sometime to chill so we exchanged info. However, in the back of my head I was saying this girl is "drunk", (not falling over and slurring drunk but doing things she didn't remember and repeating herself drunk) is she even going to remember anything from tonight in the morning?

In my past experiences the answer is no, I even have friends who complain about "random" guys who call them and say "hey remember me from last night".  They have no recollection of that night and the girl that the guy met now ceases to exist.  This just makes me frustrated because you think you meet a cool person that you might be able to get to know but that’s only the case when they are under the influence of alcohol and while sober they avoid you. Don't know if I'm ever going to hear from her again (sigh) it’s all messed up...but I'm not bitter just needed to get if off my mind.